Back in December, my lawyer's assistant called me.
"An FBI agent wants to interrogate you. Does January 6th work?" she asked.
"Just what the fuck are you talking about?" I asked politely,
"Uh, maybe I should have Matt talk to you about this."
"No shit, you stupid fuckin' bimbo. I don't just agree to meet with the Feds without consulting my attorney."
My attorney, one of many on my payroll, called me back later. This was during the Christmas holidays, and I was due to have lunch with coworkers. Needless to say, I was pissed.
"What is this about Matt?" I asked. "I thought that JTTF guy Sgt. Lopez dropped the case about the whole fake terrorist threat that was traced back to an email that I never even used."
"This is something different. An FBI agent named Abalon wants you to talk about a case the DOJ is investigating. A DOJ lawyer named Dukes wants to talk to you."
"About what?" I asked.
"I don't know, he was very evasive. And kinda rude"
"Look man, I know we are all very busy, and it's the holidays and shit, but I just can't have some lawyer having some dumbass secretary schedule an interrogation with the Feds about something I know nothing about. You are fired."
So I went and found a criminal defense attorney. He got the info about the mysterious agent Joey Abalon and called him.
"It has something to do with internet hacking. A guy at the DOJ, a lawyer named Dukes wants to talk to you. They said that you are not a target," he told me.
"Hacking? Cool, they are finally tracking down the motherfuckers who hacked my site and spoofed my email."
"Maybe. They were very evasive."
"Sounds familiar," I said.
So for two months, my $300/hr lawyer played phone tag with Mr. Abalon of the FBI office on Wilshire in L.A. I was ready to talk, even eager. I had nothing to hide.
No word for weeks.
Finally, last month, I called my first lawyer.
"What the hell happened with that Sgt. Lopez from the JTTF about that email threat?" I asked.
"He said the case was closed. No evidence. I already explained that to you."
"So how does FBI agent Joey Abalon get your name?"
"Probably from Lopez."
WTF? These clowns can't share information about the fuckin' 9/11 terrorists, and the underwear bomber gets a free ride after the feds knew all about him, and Major Islam The Religion of Death blows up Ft. Hood while the feds casually read his email and ignore it....
But the JTTF, the FBI, the DOL, and the DOJ are all into Tunnel Rat's shit?
Jesus fuckin' Christ.
No word from my new lawyer, Dan. Nice guy. But took my $1000 retainer and is maybe ripping me off. No word about this meeting with the elusive FBI agent Abalon and the nebulous DOJ lawyer Dukes.
Finally, last night I was enjoying dinner with wifey and my lovely eight-year old daughter at a local Italian restaurant. The cell rings. The place is loud, and I have to step outside. I thought it was my drinking buddy, Esco, talking about our friend Mike, who is in a coma.
"Yo Esco. Wassup?" I ask.
"Uh, this is agent Abalon. With the FBI."
"You? The guy that my lawyers have been trying to get ahold of? The one that won't return phone calls? You gotta warrant? " I asked. Politely.
"Look, we are at your house, and I have a federal subpoena to give to you," he says.
"Aren't you supposed to deal with my attorney? Is this a joke? Are you some process server sent by that mob lawyer Papalia?"
"No. You're not in any trouble, I just want to give you this subpoena. Can you come back to your house?" he asks.
"I'm having dinner with my family. You can meet me here. It is three blocks away."
I really want to figure out what this shit is about. I finally want to confront the bozo Fed agent that should be chasing terrorists and instead is hounding a Marine vet. Prick.
So he shows up five minutes later, and I meet him out front. He gives me the subpoena, and I read it.
"This says nothing about why they want me to testify. What is this about, Mr. Abalon? Kiddie porn? Drug dealing? Animal Sex? My illegal toilet bowl that I bought in Mexico? Just why da' fuck are you harassing me and intimidating my family? What, they won't let you target Muslim nutjobs, because that would be politically incorrect, so you gotta fuck with me?"
"Sorry, you have a lawyer and I can't say anymore."
I look over at the goon standing next to him.
"And who's this guy?"
"I'm agent Steve Bolz, with the DOL. I came to your house last week," he told me.
"You? You and the other guy, the ones that eye-fucked my wife while she called me at work, terrifying her? You're one of the creeps that intimidated my family?"
"You don't look intimidated."
I guess he did have a point.
Meanwhile, wifey and the kid are watching this all go on, looking out the window of the restaurant. What kind of shit is this, I thought to myself.
"So you, Abalon, are here to serve me a subpoena about a case you won't tell me about, and your refuse to contact my attorney, and you bring this DOL thug along for the ride? Is this how you guys roll?"
"Look, we don't want to make this difficult," he tells me. The guy is about 5' 5". Paper pusher, not a real agent. "We could have served you at work."
Nice veiled threat, you little fucker, I thought to myself.
"Fine. I think we are done here. You guys can go back to harassing other American citizens, as opposed to chasing terrorists. Good night."
I called the number on the subpoena the next morning and finally got hold of DOJ attorney Mr. Dukes. Show up in Virginia, or we will charge you with contempt of court, he says. Rudely. He was a real asshole.
"What is this about?" I asked. I was livid. The guy was talking to me like I was a target of the investigation, but I was only a witness/victim, according to the subpoena.
"It's about the hacking of the Virginia State Prescription Drug Database," asshole DOJ lawyer said.
These fuckin' idiots want to talk to me about an issue that I had blogged about last May:
You stupid fuckers are flying an American citizen across the country at taxpayer expense, paying for his hotel, to ask him about a case he read about on the internet!!!!
Mr. Dukes is one abrasive and stupid fucker, as I found out today after talking to him on the phone. He insisted that Agent Abalon had come to my house several times and called me to work this out, which was all bullshit. Agent Abalon maybe called my lawyer once or twice, and then went back to harassing American "domestic terrorists", uh, Tea-Baggers, like the Obama administration had ordered him to.
Just call Mr. Dukes and ask him why your tax dollars are paying to fly a guy across the country to be a witness in a case he knows nothing about, when he could have interviewed him here in SoCal at the local FBI office. After all, I would have just told the feds just what I am writing now:
1. State of Virginia outsources I.T. to HCL, an Indian outsourcing company. You, know, with the CEO that said "Americans Are Unemployable".
2. State of Virginia is victim of massive hack, probably by Indian guy working for HCL, or Russian mobster exploiting sloppy slumdog code.
3. The former CTO of Virginia Aneesh Chopra, who hired HCL, joins Desi shoplifter Vivek Kundra as Obama CTO.
4. An embarassed Aneesh Chopra, now working with feds, calls DOJ lawyer Mr. Dukes, and tells him to give Marine vet and notorious blogger Tunnel Rat "a hard time." That's how those Desis roll.
Here's Mr. Dukes personal number. Leave a voicemail:
Please use *67. He is a prick that will fuck with you and your family to no end if he finds out who you are. After all, he is a DOJ attorney, and they can do whatever the fuck they want.
Except stop me from blogging.