Tunnel Rat posted on December 22, 2008 13:53

I’ve got the blogging bug again, and now I have some time to finish the saga of my jobs at SIAN (Sweatshop In A Nightclub) and more. I can’t wait to write about how was able to extort $6,000 of unpaid wages from a bankrupt dot-com that tried to stiff me. I told you, I am like the Zodiac Killer, emerging from periods of dormancy to inflict terror, or in my case, politically incorrect rants about the work I do.

I’ll get to that soon enough, but for now I wanted to fantasize about being able to send a real resume to a prospective employer. We all know I.T. resumes are bullshit, so what if I didn’t care, and could just be honest with folks. It would look something like this:

Eye T. Grunt
Upyours St.
Bumfuck, FU, 66666

OBJECTIVE:

Programmer

EDUCATION:


Early 1980’s:
· Yada-Yada High School 1 – Expelled after driving ’72 Pontiac
through school fence. Twice.

· Yada-Yada High School 2 – Graduated with B Avg. Started
programming computers.

· WhatEver Junior College – Dropped out after 1 ½ years of
taking engineering classes. Learned how to program in BASIC and flunked
Assembly.
Beginning GPA: 3.5. Ending GPA: 2. something.


PROFESSIONAL EXPERIENCE:

Mid 1980’s

Custom cabinetmaker, draftsman, installer – 2 years:

· Learned how to operate power tools under the influence of alcohol. Held five
jobs for various companies run by rednecks and burnouts. Fired once for wrecking company truck by getting it stuck in a drive-thru car wash.

Commercial cabinetmaker, salesman for general contractor – 4 months:

· Underbid jobs in order to not get fired and finally terminated when invoices came in. Moved back home and signed up for Marine Corps

Late 1980’s to early 1990’s

United States Marine Corps – 6 years:

· Infantryman, Humvee driver, anti-tank assault-man, radio operator.

· Slept in dirt, carried huge pack while getting dragged around by handset. Disciplined numerous times for things like sneaking women into barracks and drinking on duty.

· Achieved Expert on rifle range after a night of no sleep and excessive beer consumption. Learned to walk for eight hours straight with a 60-lb pack and a hangover, while chain-smoking.

· Busted to Private after getting hit by car in Korea while on liberty and charged with multiple violations of the UCMJ. Restricted to ship for 45 days with loss of pay and extra duty.

· Spent nine months overseas during Gulf War I. Jumped into stolen Humvee with three other Marines and drove from Saudi port to Kuwait City to take pictures of dead enemy after cease-fire. Almost court-martialed after telling big black Gunnery Sergeant (AKA, ‘My Boss’) to “shut the fuck up” after night of drinking in Dubai. Charges dropped. Awarded Combat Action Ribbon.

· Promoted to Corporal and transferred to Marine Corps Air Wing. Got desk job buying supplies and computers for military training academy after being disciplined for writing nasty letter to the Commanding General’s Office. Learned how to fix computers and write Excel macros.

· Awarded Good Conduct Medal, Navy Achievement Medal, and promoted to Sergeant. Honorably Discharged.

Mid 1990’s
Systems Engineer – 1 ½ years:

· Got job at small company after lying about “extensive, but top-secret” computer experience in military. Sent to big companies to fix servers and setup networks. Turned into programmer after mentioning the acronym “SQL” in a meeting. Starting hacking Access applications. Quit after fellow worker acted like a know-it-all geek while insulting my programming skills.

Independent Consultant – 6 months:

· Made a good living hacking Access programs for small businesses while I went to night school. Earned Bachelor’s Degree after 13 Years.

Permanent Employee – 1 Year:

· Programmer at Big-Fucking-Real-Estate-Company. Worked on legacy migration project that was three years behind schedule.

· Learned that contractors make better money and corporate work sucks. Became good at hacking, messing things up, and acting like I knew it all. In short, being a typical FTE.

Independent Visual Basic Programmer – 3 years:

· Recruited out of Big-Fucking-Real-Estate-Company to help another contractor/drinking buddy write Visual Basic program for client he found on CompuServe. Worked out of house, writing bad VB code and over-billing client.

Late 1990’s

Contract Programmer – 9 months:

· Placed at Giant-Fortune500-Company. Tasked with writing VB reporting application. When asked by FTE if I would use a “class” to accomplish some of the program functionality, responded by saying “sure, I can give you a class on programming VB.” As a Visual Basic programmer, realized I knew nothing about real programming.

· Spent entire length of contract teaching myself the basics of Object-Oriented Programming while working unsupervised for clueless project manager (AKA, ‘My Boss’). Left when Giant-Fortune500-Company underwent massive reorg and FTEs who had been programming at company for years started begging me for leads or side-work.

Independent Web Developer – 3 months:

· Learned ASP/Javascript/HTML while working out of the house for my consultant/drinking buddy during dot-com boom.

Contract Web Developer – 6 Months:

· Hired to build e-commerce web site for restaurant delivery company that was probably funded by the mob. Learned n-tier development and COM+. Contract terminated after company refused to pay more than the $30,000 that they were told the site would cost and bigshot consulting company got stiffed for $50,000.

· Spent 3-months trying to get last timesheet signed by bigshot consulting company, and eventually redirected their web site to nasty bestiality/tranny website. Received last pay check within hours.

Contract Web Developer – 1 Month:

· Placed at Big I.T. Consulting Company to work on web site. Told to screen H-1Bs programmers and then train them after they were hired.

· Ignored demands to use company standard components and wrote my own code, stating that “error handlers aren’t really necessary if the code is good.” Terminated with half-day notice by team lead (AKA, ‘My Boss’) who said “we need some heavy hitters here [like our permanent employees]”

· Vowed personally to never get fired for being a bad coder, especially one that could be replaced by an H-1B or an FTE.

 

· Went back to take to school and spent thousands on extension classes, seminars, and books to learn .NET.
Early 2000’s to Mid 2000’s

Contract Web Developer – 1 ½ years:

· ASP and Visual Basic Programmer for Huge-Payroll-Outsourcing-Company. Joined team of 12 developers, with half being FTEs who were COBOL programmers being retrained to be Web Developers. Wrote massive amounts of code while FTEs sat around, took long lunches, and tried to deny access to databases.

· Engaged in verbal altercation with Vietnamese contractor who sent email to team and all bosses calling me an “idiot.” Contractor eventually laid off by my project manager and fellow drinking buddy (AKA, ‘My Boss’).

· Watched as aforementioned FTEs were escorted out of building by security during layoff.

· Offered full-time position by sharp middle-aged white manager, who was fired the next day.

· Got into verbal altercation with his replacement, (Army vet and former COBOL programmer with no web experience – AKA ‘My Boss’), when he tried to tell me how to write a javascript function. Developed further resentment of U.S. Army.

· Last one of team of 12 to be laid off as project was turned over to Indian off-shore company (Infosys).

Contract Programmer – 8 months:

· Forced to take a job at Big-Ass-Food-Conglomerate during bad economy. Sat in training room for one month doing nothing. Told to write dynamic SQL, Visual Basic, and listen to nasty FTE mainframe programming lady (a fat Serbian Nazi Jew Hater) with bad breath explain legacy system to me.

· Moved to different floor, doing little while project stalled. Watched as team of Indian (maybe Pakistani) offshore consultants botched SAP migration and had communal lunches of stinky food.

· Had verbal altercation with incompetent Indian female programmer who was hired by her Indian husband, the head of applications development (AKA, ‘My Boss’).

· Reassigned to work “Operations” in windowless room with six other programmers, mostly Indians. Offended another female Indian programmer when stating that India is the only developed country that still has the plague, and that you can get your dental work done on the street for very little money.

· Left to take first job that would get me out of curry-smelling, windowless programming dungeon.

Contract To Hire Programmer – 1 Year:

· Hired by Big HMO to develop Visual Basic applications. Told it was a 3-month contract, but did nothing for three months. Spent time reading confidential mental health records in claims database and searching for names of people I knew that may be suffering from homicidal tendencies.

· May or may not have saved some private claims information to a thumb drive in case it would prove useful in the future.

· Accepted position with pathetically low salary because the economy sucked, and I liked the manager, a big black guy (AKA, ‘My Boss’) from back East who used to work for EDS.

· Finished projects in weeks that were budgeted for months by fascist PMO in love with waterfall model and RUP. Watched as long time FTEs bullied and harassed various other FTEs.

· Given .NET project by boss and lunch mate, infuriating team of long-time FTEs stuck with maintaining legacy systems in obsolete languages.

· Convinced boss to bring in hot-shot Microsoft evangelist and .NET consultant to teach me ASP.NET and VB.NET. Completed .NET application while being sabotaged and badmouthed by cliquish, incompetent team of developers, analysts, and project managers.

· Reassigned to another project. Got into verbal altercation with nerdish team lead who sent email to team and management that expressed his view that I was “stupid and uncreative.”
· Quit after being unable to get lateral move out of claims division.

 

Permanent Employee, Web Developer – 1 ½ years

· Left Big HMO to work for ultra-cool “Web-Design Firm.” First big project was working on web sites for Giant-Computer-Company. Developed serious carpal-syndrome issues after working 16-hours days with manic-depressive account executive bitch screaming in my face.

· Spent Thanksgiving holiday working on web site for equine-faced motivational speaker client who “had to get the new site up by Christmas so that he could sell videos and colon-cleansers.”

· Left company Christmas party early after watching head account executive rub junior account executive’s crotch. Came in next day to finish shopping cart for equine-faced motivational speaker’s site. Alone.

· Spent a month cleaning up hacks after equine-faced motivational speaker’s company delayed the launch of site because “it wasn’t like Amazon.” Got into verbal altercation with junior account executive because of scope-creep.

· Worked on massive data exchange project for Giant-Computer-Company with no specs and tiny budget. Posted 5,000 lines of code written by fellow employee (AKA ‘My Boss’) in my cube with the heading “Worst Code Ever Written.”

· Secretly bought $7,000 of software with own credit card and deployed it Giant-Computer-Company’s web site so that I could get the job done.

· Called Senior Account Executive the “C-Word” and prepared to quit. Fired the next day, ensuring one month’s severance and reimbursement of my $7,000 after threatening legal action.
Permanent Employee, Applications Developer – 1 week

· Hired by Small-Medical-Claims-Clearing-House-Company because senior developer “was not happy.”

· Witnessed HIPAA violations, bootlegged software, and high school students dealing with confidential medical data. Observed numerous “Boy-Toys” prancing around office.

· Fired by gay owner (AKA, ‘My Boss’) because senior developer decided to stick around.

· Reported company to every agency known to man dealing with software piracy and medical confidentiality. Posted numerous derogatory statements about company on internet.

· Received phone call and threatened by gay owner of Small-Medical-Claims-Clearing-House-Company that I “would be sued for millions of dollars.” Suggested to gay owner of Small-Medical-Claims-Clearing-House-Company to insert his own penis into his own alimentary canal.

Permanent Employee, Director, Applications Development – 6 weeks

· Hired to lead team of four, maybe five, or as few as two developers for quizi-government heath-care agency. Stabilized web sites, re-wrote code, and engaged in verbal altercations with Vietnamese programmer (AKA, ‘Charlie’) who was sabotaging my efforts.

· Threatened to report Director of Applications Development (AKA, ‘My Boss’) for lax security of the agency web site and letting ‘Charlie’ do whatever he wanted. Fired the next day, along with ‘Charlie.’

Independent Contractor – 3 Weeks

· Hired by fly-by-night consulting company to get web site finished. Forced to work on Pentium III computer that was at least 15 years old. Demanded new equipment and dealt with abusive project manager (AKA, ‘My Boss’) while learning C#.

· Finished web site and walked into bosses office and quit.

Contract Programmer – 3 Months

· Placed by agency at Giant-Japanese-Tech-Company. Assigned to finish time-tracking application that was almost finished. Spent duration of contract blogging, learning C# more, and answering questions on Experts-Exchange.Com.

· One of four Anglos on a floor of hundreds of Indians, Japanese, Vietnamese, and Chinese. Explored origins of Aryan Brotherhood prison gang while surfing the Net constantly.

· Achieved Guru status on Experts-Exchange.Com for answering hundreds of questions while billing full-time for Giant-Japanese-Tech-Company and doing nothing for Mr. Nguyen (AKA, ‘My Boss’), who reported to Mr. Nguyen, who had no less than six direct reports with the last name of “Nguyen.”

Contract Programmer – 6 Months

· Placed by agency to work for soon-to-be-defunct dot-com company. Told to write two-file extracts in six months and was done in six weeks.

· Learned more .Net on dot-com company’s dime while spending at least one hour a day engaging in verbal altercations about politics with rabid liberal gay contractor in the next cube and dealing with obnoxious Indian programmer that would stand over my shoulder, commenting on my code in a thick, curry-scented accent.

· Met all deadlines, wrote code that passed peer-review and was deployed to production, while being verbally harassed by female DBA suffering from menopause or PTSD.

· Offered full time job by highly respected manager (AKA, ‘My Boss’) and declined. Told by manager (Navy Vet, EOD) to let HR know in my exit interview that previously mentioned DBA was a “fucking cunt” and that he could not retain good people with her around.

Contract Programmer – 1 year

· Placed by agency to work on web site remotely for company based in another state. Waded through tons of hacks, stabilized site, and delivered solid enhancements and new applications without specs (unless ‘build an accounting system’ can be called a ‘spec’).

· Worked 10 hours/wk while billing for 40 hours/wk for 14 months for team that I had never met in person. Engaged in numerous side-projects, spent time at the gym, took my daughter work everyday and rode my bike consistently while meeting all deadlines and deliverables.

· Terminated after getting into verbal altercation with alcoholic, chain-smoking bimbo (AKA, “My Boss”) in weekly conference call over the fact that it was not my fault that her nebulous demands and random complaints did not constitute “project management.”

Independent Web Consultant – 3 Months


· Created new web site for bankrupt dot-com that offered to share office space so that I could work on side projects for my out-of-state client.

· Racked up $6,000 of billable hours while launching new site for corrupt dot-com. Fired after verbally altercation with CFO, who refused to pay for work done.

· Shut down site via numerous back-doors after CFO tried to turn over development to another firm, stating that “I would get my money like all the other vendors” who were owed $250,000.

· Sent hostile email to dot-com shareholders, threatening to mass-email 35,000 subscribers of web-site, asking for donations for my unpaid work.

· Engaged in verbal altercation with company’s lawyer, and received full payment via Fed-Ex the next day after signing non-disclosure agreement.

Consultant – 6 Months or so until I get fired

· Hired by consultant/drinking-buddy/poker-pal/long-time mentor to help his client (AKA, “My Boss”) -- whom had I known for over 10 years, and was my manager at aforementioned ‘Big-Fucking-Real-Estate-Company’.

· Directed to “keep things running until said manager (AKA, “My Boss”) could shit-can primadona 27-yr old programmer who may or may not quit any day.”

· Dealt with gang of passive-aggressive snakes (AKA, “My Team”) while trying to keep multiple web-sites from crashing. Daily.

· Almost fired for locking inept Persian bimbo developer out of SourceSafe after she returned from maternity leave and started removing my code that had resolved major production bug.

· Almost fired again for walking out during major production release when previously mentioned gang of passive-aggressive snakes (AKA, “My Team”) tried to blame deploy problems on my web code.

· Engaged in verbal altercation with most-likely-gay DBA who told manager (AKA, “My Boss”) that everything wrong with the release was my fault. Sent home for the rest of the week by manager.

· Retained until further notice by manager -- whom I had known for over ten years -- (AKA, “My Boss”) after verbal warning and pleas not to “piss off the team” and assurance that I would be around until I found another contract or the end of the month, whichever comes first. Shook hands and gave manager (AKA, “My Boss”) the “don’t every try to fuck me again” look.

· Resumed development, declined invitation to sushi lunch with passive-aggressive snakes (AKA, “My Team”), updated resume and began interviewing for next gig.





 


Posted in:   Tags:
Tunnel Rat posted on December 19, 2008 13:45

My latest contract is winding down, and I my hours got cut to three days a week starting in January. So I really have nothing to lose by going out with a bang and letting my team of shitbirds know how I feel about them.

After 6-months in that snake pit, I knew my days were numbered and that I might not even make it to the end of December without getting thrown under the bus by the inept FTEs (Full-Time-Employees) that make my life a living hell.

BTW, we contractors hate FTEs. In know, the feeling is mutual. We make more money, know more, and don't have to suck dick and brown-nose all the time to stay gainfully employed. FTEs, on the other hand, have stale skills, bad grooming habits, and generally are addicted to hacking. Hacking is known by IT professionals to be an addiction, and once picked up, hard to break. Every single damn FTE I have ever worked with is a hacker. Every one, except maybe former contractors forced to take a full time gig.

Yeah, I was an FTE for at most 18 months and as little as a week. I hated it. The stupid office politics, the shitty computers, the bad chairs, and the constant battle to keep your dignity amongst a pack of back-stabbing jackals. I call being an FTE time "In The Box", which is what they did to Cool Hand Like after the dogs and jailers caught up to him.

So after a particular nasty week where the FTEs in charge of the database stuff made a major clusterfuck of a new build to a prod website, I decided to get even.

All my web code was fine, pushed live, and ready for UAT. After sitting around for two hours watching these monkeys attempt to get the data warehouse working, I went home.

I'd seen these Chinese fire drills before (funny, one of the database guys is Chinese -- there has got to be a reason it's called a Chinese fire drill and not a Hungarian or Irish fire drill).

I didn't want to stay around all night watching the gay dba and his gang of clowns have another one of their circle-jerks trying to get the prod database up and running, so I told them that I had better things to do. I said I'd be online at home in an hour and I'll check things then.

The other contractor on the team, the most-likely-in-the-closet-homo database guy, looked at me like I had just cum in his mouth without giving him a hint.

He wrinkled his nose, got all wide-eyed, and said "Uh, ok, what's, ahh, your number?"

"666," I replied.

The team laughed. You gotta keep the morale up in times of stress.

I gave the guy my phone number and left.

I checked my voicemail a half-hour later, and it is my boss, freaked out. Supposedly nothing is working on the web site, and gay dba says it’s all my fault.

Now, my boss is a good guy, one of the best, but his team of FTEs feeds him full of shit to cover their ass. So this was just another case of "Gang-Bang the Contractor."

And I was ready.

Man was I ready.

I called him back and let him know my web stuff was golden -- it is all backend crap that didn't get deployed or is broken. Nothing I could do.

"But [gay dba] said that it was all your fault," the boss tells me.

"That's fucking bullshit," I said. "I'll look into it, but it’s the usual crap. They screw up the database deploy, and blame me. Not to sound defensive, but it happens with every build." I went on and on, letting him know in no uncertain terms that I did not appreciate being the scapegoat for this fiasco.

"Ok, let's just get it figured out," he said.

"I'm here for you man, no worries. I'll send you an email as soon as I find out what's up." I hung up.

Sure enough, an entire set of database changes was not scripted and run. Plus, about four people on the team were updating the same code, the same tables, and someone was pushing dev builds of the site to PROD. All without letting anyone know.

I got hold of the bimbo Persian FTE. "I gotta figure out what the deal with the prod site is. You haven't made any changes, have you?" I asked.

"Uh, well, I did try to fix something and deployed the web site from my machine to prod...but, it, uh, didn't fix the problem," she said, fessing up. I told you all FTEs are hacks.

"Hey, you cannot be doing that," I told her. "That is dev code, untested, and now it is prod. I gotta get that rolled-back off the web farm and figure out what is going on. Stay off the servers. Please." I hung up.

Finally, I restored to build, pushed a couple of procs to PROD, and suddenly THE SITE STARTED WORKING.

It was 10 PM and I was pissed. I figured my boss would blame me for the botched build and believe the shit the FTEs were feeding him.

I'd be fired the next day, or so I thought.

I went in early and walked by his office. He was on the phone, and waved at me. Huh, I guess I lived to fight another day. Now, time for some payback.

First I verbally took the head off of the Chinese guy that was updating the entire prod database (without emailing anyone) at the same time I was trying to stabilize the site and troubleshoot the problems.

FYI, Asians don't know how to use email. It's something about how effective it is to communicate things, and that is against their nature. You, know letting people know what the hell you are doing is something that they refuse to do. They are in their own little world, and there is no translation in any Asian language for the term "courtesy call." Something like the whole "saving face" thing.

"Next time you want to make changes to the PROD db in the middle of a web roll-out, let someone know," I said. Loudly.

"Wha, wuz da big deal?" he mumbled in Chinglish.

"The big deal is that 4 people were trying to figure out why shit wasn't working, and they didn't know you were jacking with the db." By now I was livid. Pissed.

I fired off an email to the database folks. I didn't copy my boss, because this was just between me and them.

I am going to step out of the way and let you folks do any and all database changes. The code is a complete and utter nightmare, and I give up.

Once I wade through hundreds of lines of in-line sql and find queries calling functions that call functions that call stored procs, my brain shuts down.

Plus nine times out of ten, I find that whatever is wrong is the result of someone using the databases as their own personal sandbox. FYI, there is a button in Outlook to create a new email message to let people know you are monkeying around with the back-end. You folks should take advantage of it.

Unfortunately, QA doesn’t know the difference and assigns defects to me and all my boss sees is a bunch of issues that have nothing to do with my code, but have my name attached to them.

And you guys should get together and fix that darn busted client/business unit logic that is causing me to put so many hacks in the front-end, and still causing problems because it is the logic in the stored-procs that is not only unreadable, but wrong.

So, expect some OnTime defects assigned from me because I am done making database changes, deploying database objects, or trying to figure what all those nasty stored procs do.

Happy Holidays

Then I went back to my desk and prepared to take out the gay dba. I went on-line and printed some bus schedules.

I went to his desk and threw them next to his computer.

I got in his face. "Next time you want to throw me under the bus, here's the schedule so that you know what times they run."

"What's your problem?" he said. He looked mean. He was always non-confrontational, to the point of being a pussy, and I didn't trust him.

"I'm tired of taking the hit for your mistakes," I told him, getting closer.

"Well, let's go talk to [boss man]," he said, standing up. He started walking, maybe running, to the boss’s office. Like someone who was a little bit scared that he may be about to get his ass kicked.

"I got better things to do," I said, but followed him anyway. I started this and I was going to finish it.

It was a short meeting. I looked at the dba, and in front of my boss, said that I knew for a fact that all of his fuckups botched the build. And that I knew for a fact that I knew that he told my boss it was all my fault.

I was calm, firm, and didn't give shit what happened next. "Find someone else to blame," I said.

The boss told the gay dba to leave. He looked at me and said "I can't have you doing this! I saw this email you sent the database folks, and you can't do that!"

Ah, so some FTE had forwarded it to him, probably with a whiney little note (ie, "see, mr. bossman, the mean contractor sent me this and my feelings are hurt").

And then I dared my boss to fire me. "From what I could tell, you were going to shit can me after last night, so I am ready to go if you want," I told him coolly.

"No, oh, no, that's not what I mean. I could never do that to you. I value your skills, and I need you around. We had a deal -- you are here until January."

I shrugged. "Well in that case, I guess I'll stick around."

"Good. How's this sound? Go home today, work from home the rest of the week, and bill 40 hours, whether you work it or not. We'll talk Monday."

"Thanks, I appreciate it." My boss is a pretty good guy, he just didn't have the budget to hire good talent or the balls to fire Asians, Indians, women, or gays. Lawsuits scare the shit out of him.

A white boy like me, however, is fair game. So I gotta do what I gotta do to survive.


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Tunnel Rat posted on December 17, 2008 13:50

I am wrapping up a project where I am one of two white guys on a team of 7. There are 3 Asians, 2 Indians, 1 Persian, and the other white guy is probably gay (most skinny unmarried guys in there 40's that don't talk about pussy, porn, and football are gay).

Typical gig. The Indians cover for their screwups and blame one of the two white guys. The Asians don't say shit, even when they crash the data warehouse. And don't even get me started on the Persian bimbo, who mumbles autistically and can't write a for-next loop to save her life. Her favorite design pattern is the "Hard-Coded ID Pattern."

So am I am left chasing my tail and getting the stink-eye from my boss who thinks I can't code, with all these defects piling up and a build slipping by a week. Each time, it is some dot-head or pho-boy jacking with the data, or the Indian QA bimbo covering for her retarded Indian DBA friend who botched an ETL job.

Such is my life.

It will all be over in January, when I scale back to 3 days a week and can resume blogging and job-hunting, if I don't have a gig by then. The economy kind of sucks, and Asian and Indian hackers have depressed the wages of the common white boy programmer.

Man, I wish blacks and Mexican's would get better at math and get in this business. I love working with those cats. They are the salt of the fuckin' earth. No bullshit, they like pussy, and they will look you in the eye. These other clowns from India and Vietnam are some nasty freaks to work with. It's against there culture to be frank, honest, and admit to mistakes.

And it makes my life hell.


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